Where I Stand Isn't Good Enough

          am-a-teur

     a person considered unskillful at a 

     particular activity.

So this is one of the first masterpieces I ever created. It was kindergarten, I was barely 5 years old, and obviously I was a genius ! At least, thats what Im learning. Check out the detail! The tree has bark, the grass has angles, and the likeness of my brother is spot on! 

Its funny, how people begin to expect so much from each other. Obviously at 5 my skills weren't in high demand, but I can say that not much has changed since then. While I may have taught myself that people don't have bubble fingers or triangle bodies, Im still considered an amateur. 

Amateur. It's a title that eats me alive inside. It took me years to realize I was causing my own demise, forcing myself to be what society expects me to be -  a contradiction of myself. So how does one escape? I can sit behind life's restrictions, follow the rules, be like everybody else...ugh choke! Some people make it on pure talent, the child prodigies ( why can't we be like them?). Others get the paper that says "sure she passed". But is it really enough? I've been back in school for a year, and I really wonder how much the paper matters. I can pass the class, but without something great to go with it, will people notice, will I still be called an amateur? This is the part where I blank, get the chills, and stare. AKA I'm Freaking Out!!

So whats the plan? I have to get over myself. I have to move past my own self doubt. Get over the fear that whatever I do isn't good enough. It could be good enough, it could be better! Or I could just be fooling myself into a good day; which is better than a regular day.